The Twilight Saga: LKE SRSLY
by Kitty Cullen-03
Summary: Entry for the Most Craptastic Story contest. The Twilight Saga, done completely in LOLspeak.


The Most Shitteous Craptastic Cuddlecock Crack Contest 2009

Title: The Twilight Saga-lik srsly

Penname: kitty Cullen-03

Pairing E/B

Summary: The Twilight Saga. Entirely in LOLspeak. I can has da prize nao?

Disclaimer: totally not mine. All the good stuff belongs to SM-I just crapped it up a bit.

OH HAI. I R BELLA. DIS MAH STORIE.

LIVED WIF MOM IN PHOENIX, BUT SHE HAD PHIL IN HER HEART, SOAKIN UP HER LUV, SO I DECIDED TO MUV IN WIF MAH DAD. I WUZ NOT HAPPEH ABUT HAVIN 2 LIV IN FORKZ, BUT I WANTD 2 MAKE MAH MOM HAPPEH. IZ COLD HERE, AND WET. FIRST DAI OF SKOOL I MET EDWARD AND TEH CULLENS. IN BIOLOGEE, I THOT EDWARD HATD ME BUT ASKSHULY I HAS A GOOD FLAVR. HE SAVD ME FRUM GETTIN RAN OVAR. HE TOLD ME HE WATCHEZ ME SLEEP. I TOTALLY INF…INFA…IN LUV WIF HIM, LIK SRSLY.

WAS PLAYN BASEBAL WHEN ALL OV TEH SUDDEN 3 NEW VAMPIRES 3 NEW VAMPIREZ CAME OUT OV NOWHERE. THEY NOT SO GRATE, AKSHULLY. THEY FOR WANT TO NOM ME, BUT EDWARD WUZ LIEK I DOAN FINKZ SO, YOU NOT NOM MY GURLFRIEND! SO HE RUNED ME BAK HOME WHERE I TOLD CHARLIE HE NOT SO GRATE AND I WAS GOIN BAK TO MOM. BAD VAMPIREZ WAITIN OUTSIDE, BUT HE FINK WE IZ RUNNIN AWAY.

ALICE AN JASPR TOOK ME 2 FOENIX WER WE STAYD IN HOTEL. ALICE B HAVIN DA VISIONS, TALKIN TO FAST. I NEW WE WUZ IN TRUBLE, SO I LIED TO DEM AND RAN AWAY TO MEET DA BAD VAMPIREZ. HIM LKE HURT ME LOTZ-HE B KICKIN ME AND TRYIN TO NOM ME. EDWARD COME, AND HE HAD A SAD WHEN HE SAW ME, BUT HE KILLD DA BAD VAMPIRE. BUT DEN, VENOM BE RACIN THRU MAH VEINS, AND I WUZ SCREAMIN. EDWARD SUKED TEH VENOM OUT, BUT HE ALMOST NOM'D ME INSTEAD.

WE HAD GUD SUMMR, BUT DBUT DEN MAH BIRFDAI RUIND EVRYTHIN. I GOT A PAPERCUT, AND TEH BLOOD MADE JASPR CRAZY. HE WANTED TO NOM ME, LIKE SRSLY. DIS GAVE EDWARD A BIG SAD, AND HE RAN AWAY. DIS GAVE ME BIGGEST SAD EVR. I LAID IN DA WOODS FOR LIKE EVR. DEN JAKOB COME AND HIM MADE EVRYTHING NOT SO BAD. HE MADE TEH PAIN GO AWAY 4 WHILE, BUT NOT ALL TEH TIEM. I HERD EDWARD IN MAH HEAD. NOT GOIN' CRAZY? I'M DOIN IT WRONG. JACOB WUZ IN LUV WIF ME, BUT I COULDNT LUV HIM. I TRID 2 TELL HIM, BUT HE JUS KEPT TRYIN 2 KIS ME. I WUS 'LIKE SRSLY, I NOT WANT TO KIS U!' BUT HIM NOT LISTEN. DEN VIKTORIA COME BACK. SHE HAD A MAD WHEN SHE SAW MEH, BUT DA WOLVES RAN HER AWAY. I R LOOKIN FOR FUN, SO I JUMPED OFF DA CLIFF. DA WATER 2 COLD AND DEEP- I WUS LIKE 'OH DAM! HALP!' BUT DEN I WAS UNCON…UNCONS…OUT COLD, LIKE SRSLY.

JAKOB WAS BEATIN' ON MY CHEST, MAKIN MAH HEAD HURT, BUT I WUS OUT OF DA WATER SO IT ALL GOOD. WHEN I GOT HOME, ALICE WUZ WAITIN 4 ME. I WUZ LIKE, SRSLY, EXCITED, FROWING MYSELF AT HER. SHE WAS LIKE 'UR IN MY SPACE, BREATHIN' MAH AIR, AND UZ HAS A GOOD FLAVR.' I WAS LIKE 'O CRAP.'

'WHY U NOT DED?' HER ASKED.

'O. I JUMPIN' OFF CLIFFS, DOIN' IT FOR FUN. I R ADREN…ADRENA…IZ LIKN DA RUSH.' DEN JAKOB COME BACK, AND ALICE SAY HE NOT HAVE GOOD FLAVR AT ALL. JAKOB THINK ALICE NOT SO GRATE AKSHULLY. DA PHONE RANG, JAKOB ANSWERED. 'OH HAI. NO, CHARLIE GONE. HE R PLANNIN FUNERAL. KTHANXBY.' JAKOB NOT TELLIN ME WHO HE TALKIN TO, GIVIN ME A MAD. DEN ALICE WAS LIKE 'IT NOT CARLISLE! O CRAP! IT R EDWARD! HE FINKS UR DED! HE WANT 2 B DED 2. U GO TO ITALY WIF ME?' JACOB DOESNT WANTS ME 2, BUT I DON CARE.

'U NOT MAK ME PIK, JAKOB! I GO NAO!' DEN HIM EXPLODE.

FLYIN' TO ITALY. LONGEST. FLIGHT. EVR. DEN I WAS RUNNIN, NOT TRIPPIN AT ALL. WALKIN' GOOD? DOIN' IT RIGHT! EDWARD FOUGHT HE WAS DED. I WUS LIKE 'NOT DED! IN TRUBLE! BAD VAMPIREZ COMIN!' HE WAS LIKE 'O CRAP.' WE TRI TO RUN, BUT IZ NOT FAST ENUF. DA BAD VAMPZ LIKE 'U COME WIF US NAO.'

I NOT WANT TO GO, IZ BAD. BUT EDWARD HERE, SO IZ GUD.

JANE WAS ALL HURTIN' PPL WIF HER MIND, BUT NOT ME. SHE B HURTIN EDWARD, THO.

WUZ GOIN TO BE FUD, BUT DEY LET ME GO, LONG AS I TURN VAMPIREZ.

EDWARD STAID, BUT JAKOB WAS HAVIN A MAD. I TOLD EDWARD I WANTD HIM 2 CHANGE ME, BUT HE SAID NO, UNLES I MARRI HIM.

'WTF?' HE IS HAVIN A FUNNY. HIM CRAZY.

I R GRADUATIN, AND I BECOMIN A VAMPIRE. IZ GUD. DEN ALICE WAS HAVIN DA VISIONS, AND WUS ALL LIKE 'WHY DEM NEWBORNS COMIN TO FORKS?'DEY STEALIN MAH THINGS, GETTING MAH FLAVR. O CRAP. DA WOLVES AND DA VAMPS MADE A TRUCE, IT WENT LIKE DIS:

WOLVES: WE NOT BYTE U.

VAMPS: WE NOT NOM YOU.

WOLVES: K.

VAMPS: K.

WOLVES AND VAMPS: WE KILS DA NEWBORNS!

SO DEY WAITED. EDWARD WAS CAMPIN' IN MAH FOREST, NOT FIGHTIN WHEN VIKTORIA CAME. SHE WAS LIKE 'I KILL BELLA DEN WE EVEN. K?" DA BB WOLF NOM'D ON HER FRIEN. EDWARD DONE TORE HER ARMS OFF, SETTIN HER ON FYRE. DA SMOKE NOT HAS GOOD FLAVR, IZ BAD. I IZ SKERD, BUT I IS ALIVE. IZ GUD DAY.

EVERYONE B OK, CEPT JAKOB, BUT HE HEAL FAST, LIKE SRSLY. HE BE SAVIN LEAH, WHO FINKS SHE BIG BAD WOLF, WHEN SHE NOT SO GRATE AKSHULLY.

EDWARD: U MARRY ME NAO?

ME: NO. WE CAN HAS DA SEX FIRST?

EDWARD: NO! I BYTE U.

ME: PLZ?

EDWARD: NO.

ME: I MARRY U FIRST? DEN WE HAS DA SEX?

EDWARD: K.

HAD GUD WEDDIN, LOTZ OF PPL. LOOKIN GOOD? DOIN IT RIGHT. EDWARD TOOK ME TO ILAND, AND WE FINALLY HAD DA SEX. EDWARD LAID ME IN DA WATER. HIM PUT HIZ HANDS ALL OBER ME, TOUCHIN MAH NIPPLES. IZ GUD. IZ LETTIN MAH HANDS WANDR, TOUCHIN HIS COCK. HIM B MOANIN. HIZ COCK B PUSHN AT MAH CORE, MAKIN' ME MOAN. HIM B BRUISN MAH ARMS, BUT I CARE NOT. MAH BODI B ARCHIN. EDWARD BYTIN PILLOWS, BUT HIM NOT BYTIN ME SO GUD. THEN IZ LIK OMG, IZ GUD! EDWARD B RAWRIN, I B MOANIN, AND DEN WE DUN.

I IS PREGNANT! EDWARD THINKS DA BB NOT SO GRATE AKSHULLY, BUT I KEEP IT. IT BE BEATIN ME UP, KILLIN ME SLOWLY. BUT I CAN HAS DA BB! ROSALIE B HALPIN ME-SHE WNT DA BB 2. I BE DRINKIN DA BLOOD, EATIN DA EGGS. JAKOB BE HAVIN A MAD, EDWARD BE HAVIN A SAD. I IZ HAPY THO. BB GROWIN GUD, IZ NOT MEANIN 2 HURT ME.

O CRAP! BB CAN'T BREATHE! GOT 2 GET BB OUT NAO! I BE PUKIN UP BLOOD, IZ BAD.

EDWARD BE GETTING DA BB OUT. DEN I CATCH ON FIRE, AND BEIN A VAMPIRE ALL DA SUDDEN NOT SO GRATE. WHY TEY NOT KILZ ME?! BUT I NOT SCREAM, I NOT GIVE EDWARD NO MORE SADS. I WAK UP, EVERYFING BRIGHT AND SCARY. MAI THROAT BURN.

EDWARD: WE GO HUNT?

ME: IZ SCARED.

EDWARD: IT BE EASY. JUMP OUT DA WINDOW.

ME: K.

RUNNIN SKILZ? I HAS DEM. I SMELZ SOMEFING, BUT DA FLAVR NOT SO GRATE. NOSE WRINKLE. EDWARD SAY 'YOU CAN HAS DA ELK' BUT I DON WANT DA ELK.

I CAN HAS DA HOOMAN? BUT EDWARD SAY NO. SO I TURN AND RUN. EDWARD IZ LIKE 'HOW U DO DAT?' I SAY 'I DUN NO, I JUS RUN.' I TRI AGAN. FIND DA MOUNTAIN LION. I NOM HIM.

ICK. EATIN GOOD? I'M DOIN IT WRONG. EDWARD NOT MIND. HIM FINKS I SEXY. I WANT TO HAS DA SEX WIF HIM NAO, BUT WE CAN'T. HE SAY WE GO BACK HOME, GETTIN A SHOWR. ARM WRESLIN EMMET IZ FUN-I WIN.

JAKOB B LIKN MAH BB 2 MUCH-HE LKE 'MAH HART? U HAZ IT.' DIS GIVE ME A BIG MAD-I TRY TO NOM HIM.

JASPR IZ MAD; HE NOT WANT TO BE WEAK 1 NE MORE. BUT I HAS SUPER-CONTROL-YAY! I NOT NOM CHARLIE, I NOT NOM JAKOB. I NOT NOM RENESMEE. WHY I NAME MAH KID RENESMEE? I DUN NO. SOUNDED GUD AT DA TIME. I CAN HAZ NO NEWBORN PHASE!

ALICE BE HAVIN DA VISIONS (LIK, SRSLY ALICE?) AND IZ BAD. DA VOLTURI COME, DEY WANT TO DESTROY US. ALICE AND JASPR BE RUNNIN AWAY. GIVES EVRYBODY A SAD. WE CALL EVRYBODY, AND DEY COME. FIRST DEY MAD-WHY YOU MAKE DAT BB? DEN DEY OK-DAT BB CUTE. ALL DA VAMPIRZ COME, AND WE WAIT. ALL DA WOLVES COME, AND DEY WAIT. I MAKE PLANS, MAKIN SUR DA BB IS SAF. NO HOPE FUR US-TRUFAX. I NOT TELL EDWARD, HE BE TRYIN TO STOP ME.

DEN DA VOLTURI COME. DEY BRING EVBRYONE. LIKE SRSLY. WE R SKERD. WE NOT SHOW FEAR, BUT IZ BAD. BUT I MAKE SURE DA BB AND JAKOB RUN AWAY-I GIVE DEM LOTS O MONEY. TEL TEM TO FLI.

ME: RUN FAST.

JAKOB: WOOF.

ME: TAKE DA BB.

JAKOB: WOOF.

ME: K.

RENESMEE (LIKE SRSLY?) NOT WANT TO GO. 'BB, UZ GOT TO GO WIF JAKOB. IZ SAFE. I NOT WNT U DED. MY LUV? U HAIS IT."

BUT DA POWRS NOT WORK, I 2 KOOL. I LIKE 'U NOT FIGHT DEES SKILZ!' THEY AFRAID. I KEEPS TEM OUT. DEY MAD. BUT WE NOT WIN-2 MANY OF DEM. HOP IZ LOST. IZ SAD.

DEN ALICE! SHE COME BACK! SHE BRINGIN DA FRIENDZ 2. DEY LIKE 'BB NOT BAD. SHE NOT GROW 2 FAST.' VOLTURI WERE LIKE 'K.' DEN DEY LEFT.

WUZ HAPPY.

END.


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